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Not Sure How That Means I'm Enough...

by mrsko (follow)
Life (62)      Relationships (29)      Decisions (4)      Self worth (3)      Betrayal (1)      Self Doubt (1)     

head in hands crying

I have a problem, well a few really...
I love too much, care too much, trust too much, give too much. Which I guess is why I find myself being hurt over and over.

I used to be a positive person. Always seeing the best in every situation possible.
If anyone had a problem, or was feeling down, I could find a more positive perspective, put a different spin on things. I could do this for myself too.
But not so much anymore.

After ten years, and with three beautiful primary aged children, my marriage failed.

I tried to make it work, I really really did. But after years of counselling, both personal and couples, marriage retreats and seminars and anti-depressants, I kinda just threw my hands up in the air and surrendered.

Unfortunately this was around the same time an old flame found me on Facebook...

Cut to two years later - countless break-ups and getting back together (with said old flame), the police being involved, major emotional domestic abuse, never ending lies and finally realising I could not change this drunk, abusive psychopath.
I was empty. A shell of my former self.

Self doubt and a massive lack of self esteem eventually led me to the world of online dating.
I set myself the task of going on lots of coffee and drinks dates. Just to meet men, to feel comfortable around them again, to figure out good from bad, to try and determine what I actually liked, to try and find some good in the male species...

In hindsight I should have been concentrating on repairing myself and my children from the hurts of the past, but that's a whole other article!

Anywho, after a dozen or so dates (NOT going home with anyone), I met the man I love with all my heart today.

It wasn't the perfect beginning - not the way you see in the movies, certainly not the way my mother would have liked, but he did that thing to me where all common sense and reason go out the window!

I threw caution to the wind, and despite telling myself I didn't expect it to go anywhere, in my heart and soul I wanted him way more than I wanted to!

He said all the right things, made me feel special, important, different, like I was the whole package (his words), so I was honest, vulnerable, open - I gave my all too soon.

Our kids got along, he wanted me around all the time, we talked or texted, or saw each other constantly and it wasn't more than 6 months later and we'd already been on an overseas holiday and moved in together.

It was in that time that my world came crashing down around me. I stumbled across of video, on his laptop, in his house (he'd said I could use it), while he was at work. I won't go into details but it was from a couple months in to our relationship, the honeymoon phase, of him "doing things", to another girl. On the very couch I was sitting on.

It was New Years Eve, the night was full of potential and new beginnings and up until that point I had no reason to think anything was wrong.

Of course I confronted him, he tried to get out of it, tried to say it was from before we were together, only admitted wrong when I mentioned the date, the song in the background. There were tears, yelling, begging, the works...but I stayed. He said I should break up with him, said I'd never see him the same way again, but I'd failed so much already, I'd invested so much already...and I stayed.

It's been about 18 months since then. I struggle daily with my self worth, I've always got unanswered questions lingering.

We've bought a house together, he bought me a car, he spends all his time with me says I'm his best friend, says I'm enough...

#Self Doubt
#Self Worth
I like this Article - 2
ID: 20820
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Honest. Real. Believable. What courage it had to take to write such things!

Also very ....well, it addresses issues of our times. Online dating. Facebook. Issues and opportunities we would not have when I was in my 20's/30's (now in my 50's & have experienced or relate to a lot of what was written).

Thanks to the author and for posting on this site.
This article from an Editor's point of view:

What I really like about this article is that it warrants no 'pity' per se - it is not told from an obviously desperate viewpoint, or swaying you to think one way or another. It is an account. But one which really gets you thinking.

PS: Wish I could write like this :)
Such an honest, heartfelt piece. Thank you.
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