Motherhood opened up new intense phases of emotion in my life. It changed me. I was not prepared for the intensity of those emotions. Normally quite shy, I turned into a fierce tigress when it came to certain issues concerning my children.
The most frequently occurring of intense emotion was total bewilderment on the birth of my first child. My body really did grow and birth a baby. A baby with ten fingers and toes and by all accounts healthy. Here was a new being of his own right. We were strangers.
Simultaneous to that was the enormous realisation of responsibility - a new level, that was far more serious and imperative than any job or situation in my life. A sense of profound obligation to this wee guy that had transformed a couple now into a family. I had to do right by him.
Motherhood brings a huge responsibility. This wee life is totally dependent on you. You make the world go round. You have all this control. Sometimes its scary.
The third most recurring intense emotion was helplessness. When he was ill or suffered heartache - all those things people must go through or fix for themselves.
What shall I do? daughter asked.
I put on my best blank face and looked at her.
She searched my face for some kind of reaction, hint or clue and found none.
Did you hear me? she asked.
Are you mad at me?
I shook my head 'no'.
Well, tell me what you think, she said.
This kid, who was headstrong all her life. Went against any kind of advice was now wanting some.
Its what you think that matters. You're grown. You've known me all your life. You know what I think. You need to make your own decisions.
I found this to be a very sad thing. She'd grown up so much - it was now time for her to be responsible for herself.
You grew this child inside you. There comes a time you must let them fly.